Give Yourself A Break!

by Kim Frederickson

We all need to give ourselves a break.

We’re good at showing compassion / kindness to other people – but many of us have trouble showing that same compassion to ourselves. We say things to ourselves we would never say to a friend. All this negative self-talk can have a bad effect on our lives and relationships.

Sometimes we can be our own worst enemy. It’s like there’s a bully inside of you telling yourself, That was stupid! or You’ll never learn! or It’s hopeless!

Imagine what life would be like if the bully in your head became a kind friend. Life would be different, that’s for sure!

In Mark 12:31, Jesus tells us to “Love your neighbor as yourself.” It is only when we learn how to be more loving and compassionate toward ourselves that we can become more loving to our friends and family.

Extending kindness and mercy to ourselves means we see ourselves as human beings who are valuable and wonderfully made by God, yet who are imperfect and make mistakes. Self-compassion is the idea that we can be kind to ourselves when we fail and give ourselves the caring support we would give another who is struggling.

Pamela struggled with suicidal thoughts. She had been sexually molested several times as a child. She felt dirty and ashamed. As an adult, whenever something bad happened, she thought it was all her fault and nothing would ever get better. She said things to her inner self like, You’re such a loser! You never do anything right! Nothing will ever turn out good! You may as well get it over with now!

As Pamela learned to turn that bully into a kind and good friend, she said to herself, I’m not perfect, and while I make mistakes, it is also true that everything is not my fault. I think a part of me thinks that the sexual abuse was my fault, but I am starting to see that it couldn’t have been. I was a child and I was forced to do things I didn’t want to do. I am sorry that happened to me. I didn’t have anyone to help me through what happened growing up. I don’t have to be alone with this now. I will talk to someone and get help to work through the pain I’m carrying around. It feels good to be a kind friend to myself.

Pamela is regaining her life – one kind word at a time!

Being a kind and good friend to yourself may sound new to you because it is such a different way to approach yourself. The great news is you can learn!

First, realize that self-compassion is not about feeling sorry for yourself, or letting yourself off the hook for messing up.

Instead, it is a balance of truth –

Yes, I made a mistake

with grace – I have worth and value, and I will do something about this mistake.

Here are some things you can try to turn that inside bully into a compassionate friend:

1. Watch the way you talk to yourself. When you hear yourself start to put yourself down say, No! to the inside bully. Instead say to yourself, I’m not going to talk to myself that way. Yes I goofed up. I can apologize, and/or I can learn to calm myself down before I say something I’m sorry for. I’m not perfect and that’s ok.  
2. When you’re having a tough time, ask yourself what you need. Do I need to sleep, eat, take a walk, take 10 deep breaths to calm down, talk to a friend, or pray?Then give yourself a break – and do it.

3. Give yourself a chance to grow. Growth happens in small steps; every single one of them counts! Take time to encourage yourself for the steps you take forward, even if there are steps backward too.I know I feel badly about not being more patient with my kids. I really want to raise them differently than I was raised. The reality is that even though I’m not perfect or even close to it, I still have more patience and compassion for my kids than I received. I think I’ll notice both: wanting to do better and also giving myself credit for the progress I have made.

4. Remember you are not alone. People love you, and God does too!

Here are some great verses to encourage you. Keep them close and think about them often.

No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Joshua 1:5

You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Psalm 86:5

Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountains! For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones. Isaiah 49:13

We are with ourselves 100 percent of the time. The way you talk and interact with yourself has a greater impact on you than any interactions you have with others. Maybe it’s time to start becoming that kind and good friend to yourself.

How about starting now?

Kim Frederickson is a licensed marriage and family therapist and author, GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK: Turning Your Inner Critic into a Compassionate Friend on Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble.