7 Ways Words Sticks the Knife In

by Ron Edmondson

I was talking to a man the other day. He was hurt, but not severely. He will survive. Hopefully. The wounds aren’t deep right now. But he is injured.

It’s an emotional hurt. Sometimes those are the worst kind.

The person hurting him? His wife. And most likely she doesn’t even know she’s doing it.

Surprised?

I’m not. It happens all the time. She probably has her hurts too. And he probably doesn’t know when he’s hurting her. Marriages are made of two very different, imperfect people. And we often hurt most those we love the most.

My friend is newly married. Over the course of the last few months he’s begun to realize how many things his wife says and does that cause him to pull away from her. Rather than start a fight, he withdraws. And, he’s withdrawn to the point that he was willing to admit his hurt, which is difficult for any man to do. I was proud of him for being humble enough to ask me if this was normal in a marriage.

But it didn’t take long before I realized that this marriage is headed for disaster if they don’t address their issues soon. Thankfully, they’re in a great season to ask hard questions, learn valuable lessons, and strengthen the marriage.

As a man, I feel most prepared to talk about how wives hurt their husbands without even knowing it. In the following ways I mention, you’ll notice I’m a little sarcastic sometimes. That’s partially because it was easier, but it also shows the harsh realities in a gentler way. By the way, if you’re not married, these tips are good for boyfriends and other important relationships.

Here are seven ways a wife hurts her husband (without even knowing it):

1. Put him down in front of other people. When around friends and family, put your husband down so they all hear it. Most men won’t say anything about this type of put-down in public. They will simply take it — and hurt. When they do talk about it, it will be out of stored up resentment, maybe even anger — and it won’t be pretty.
2. Go behind him when he tries to do something at home. Always show him how much better you can do things than he can do them. He will appreciate that. When he fixes the bed, make sure you show him the “correct way” immediately after he finishes. He will be reminded he doesn’t measure up to your standards.
3. Constantly nag him. If he doesn’t do what you want him to do, remind him. Again and again (because that works, right?).
4. Use the “you always” phrase all the time. Because he always (every single time) does that thing to bug you. And best news yet, with you saying that phrase, it builds him into a man who always will do that thing to bug you.
5. Hold him responsible for your emotional well-being. He’s the reason you feel bad today and every other day you feel bad. So, make sure he knows it’s his fault. And, you don’t have to tell him. Just be in a bad mood, and don’t release him from guilt. He’ll take the hint and own the responsibility. He will think it’s his fault even if it’s not.
6. Complain about what you don’t have or don’t get to do. Your man has a desire to fix things. He wants to be a provider. Every man does. Some attempt to live it out and some don’t. But, when he’s trying, doing the best he can, and yet he feels he isn’t measuring up, he’s crushed. When you are always commenting on what other women have that you don’t, he carries the blame, even if that’s not your intention.
7. Don’t appreciate his efforts. Want to really hurt a man? Refuse to appreciate the things he does well. He gets part of his identity in the things he does, whether work or hobbies or even his character traits. When you don’t find them as valuable as he does, his ego is bruised.

The reality is that a man’s ego — his self-confidence and sense of worth — is greatly tied to his wife, just as a woman’s ego is tied to her husband. We can be fragile people, some more than others.

Understanding these issues and talking openly about them, with a third party if necessary, will help build healthier, stronger, and happier people and marriages.

I understand that some women, especially those of you who have been equally wounded by men, could get offended with this article. When we are hurt, it is harder to look at our own possible shortcomings. Remember that my goal is to help, not to hurt you further. But you can’t change what you do not know. Your response is up to you. The good news is that when we give to others what we’d like to receive ourselves, that makes room for God to make up the difference.